Don’t believe everything you read
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone to help people communicate clearly, little did he know that it would one day do the opposite.
We see it everywhere we go. In cafes, parks, our home. People in the same room ignoring their partner or family and friends as they scroll through pages of social media drivel.
Although that scenario is an obvious example of disconnecting from others, in this blog we look at how texting can be misinterpreted and how words on a screen can be read wrong, leading to anxiety and negative emotions.
Imagine the following scenario. You’re relaxing sipping on a drink and thinking of a friend. You send a text “ Hi how are you?” followed by a lengthy summary of your day. And you get “ Fine hope you’re ok “ and that’s it. No similar investment, no further text, nothing. You try a couple of prompts and can feel yourself reacting. Anger, rejection or whatever negative emotion you default to. And then the overthinking and worse case scenarios begin eating away at you.
Now if it was a conversation on Mr Bell’s good old fashioned telephone you’re more likely to pick up the clues to a more accurate assessment. You hear the noise of the work environment, the traffic on the road, their kids shouting in the background and more importantly the words “ good to hear from you, sorry busy at the moment I’ll call you tomorrow “. You breathe a sigh of relief, crisis averted for now.
So why do we jump to conclusions and mind read the responder? Well it’s a two way process between both parties. The texter has expectations based on their situation, their frame of reference and their investment. Secondly the text responder has not matched these expectations. This maybe due to a lack of emotional intelligence and with the additional environmental distractions and time constraints, has failed to respond as they would on the phone.
Of course there is a possibility that the friend is trying to create some distance, or doesn’t share the same needs, in which case keep reading for some suggestions on identifying that scenario.
The visual clues
We often ask someone “ Are you Ok?” but we can receive a different response depending on the tone of our voice, facial expressions and small changes to the pitch or softness of our spoken words. In a text we can’t do this. It can be read as a casual greeting rather than a serious concern about a persons health. Similar to other texts that are misunderstood there are no visual or auditory clues to help the responder accurately reply.
The CBT approach.
When we are faced with a situation the thought we attach to the event dictates how we feel and behave. So if we think the responder is rejecting us then we will react accordingly. That may result in angry texts, ghosting or feelings of rejection and low self worth. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) helps us challenge unhelpful and often irrational thoughts, instead looking at more rational explanations.
But what if it’s true?
Any therapeutic approach will consider the fact that a person’s assumptions maybe correct and bad things do happen. In that case the emphasis is on acceptance.
In the case of the text scenario think about the following before coming to a conclusion.
Consider if the pattern of behaviour has changed without explanation?
Is the distant behaviour interspersed with quality conversations at other times?
Have you explained further the meaning for the question? E.g “ are you ok…..you seem down today?”
Has something happened to explain the change in behaviour?
Have you looked at all possible explanations and not exclusively on the negative?
And here is a really retro suggestion. Pick up the phone and speak to the friend. You might get an honest answer but if not, perhaps tell the person how you feel. The fact is that if the person is being deliberately distant or wants disconnect they will have their reasons and it’s time to accept the situation for what it is. More often it’s just people living busy lives.
And remember the first wireless communication telegram was designed to be short, clear and direct a bit like a text…...perhaps some things don’t change after all.
