Values - but yours or theirs?
Introduction
It’s not unusual to sit with a client and witness that light bulb moment where they realise that the reason they are unhappy is because they are living their life by the values set by someone else.
Values determine who we are as a person and when we set goals that align to those values we maintain contentment and direction in life. The problem arises when we have values imposed on us by others. It could be those values come from parents, partners or friends. These may not be our values and this inner conflict can lead to psychological unrest and unhappiness. In this blog we look to see if we follow our true values ….or we follow the values of others.
Need, Should, Must, Want
Next time we hear ourselves, or others saying “ you need to , should do , must try , want to ” ask yourself “do I want to do that and does it align to my values, or is that what they want? If the advice aligns to your values then you may well benefit from their guidance, but if it doesn’t then inner conflict begins, and left unchecked can develop into resentment anxiety and depression.
Goals are not values
We hear and read about reaching our goals and achieving success by following other people’s advice, buying expensive training courses and attending whatever seminar gurus on Instagram are selling. The truth is goals are not values. Goals can align to your values but can just as easily be misaligned. Consider this scenario;
You set a goal to find a job and then want a promotion (goal) for you to save enough money to buy a house (goal) in order to provide a home, security and support to start a family (values). If family, security and a progressive career are your values, then each goal is aligned, but what if they aren’t? What if these goals are the values of your parent’s or partner? What if you love the single adventurous life and don’t want to be tied down just yet? The issue here is that inner conflict can create negative feelings and feed into low self worth or other negative beliefs.
Identifying your Values
Although it is a major turning point, realising you’re not living by your true values just isn’t enough to begin the change process. Identifying what your true values are and then setting goals to align with them is the key to ‘finding’ yourself. There are many examples of personal values ( email us for a pdf) but here are a few to consider;
Compassion: caring and showing compassion to others.
Family: having a family around you, keeping them safe and secure.
Career success: working hard and getting promoted.
Money: becoming financially secure.
Honesty: being open and honest with self an others.
Adventurous: Taking risks, seeking challenges, exploring the world.
Not conforming to social ‘norms’: Living your life to your rules not the rules of societal expectations.
The list could go on and on and some of the above may not be your personal values. The trick is to be honest with yourself and set goals that align to your true self. Work out pros and cons of following the values of others or moving towards your own. Perhaps the cost is too great or the time isn’t right and maybe you will need some help to accept what can’t be changed. No matter what you decide, setting goals to align with your chosen value will pay dividends now or in the future.
Conclusion
If you find yourself drifting in life, if you feel trapped, resentful or hear yourself using the words “ should, need or must” ask yourself whether you’re following your true values or the values of others. If it’s the latter perhaps it’s time to set some goals that align to your values. As we move through life we grow emotionally and intellectually. Our values can change too. It’s never too late to recognise that other people’s values aren’t necessarily our values, their goals aren’t our goals and their needs aren’t our needs. Be true to yourself and inner peace will come to you eventually.
