Gain control by losing it
In this blog we look at how trying to control every aspect of our life can fuel anxiety, damage relationships and become a counter productive coping strategy.
It’s down to them, not me.
Do you look to control situations, people and outcomes? Do you blame everything on others rather than accepting your part in it?
Our internal and external locus (of control) relates to whether we feel we have control over our situation (internal) or other people and environments control the outcome (external). It’s like we blame the failed exam on the lecturer rather than the fact we never studied for it. So with anxiety we try and control those external factors. We avoid applying for jobs for fear of interviews, we take over the arrangements for the friends holiday to avoid flying, and control the movements of our partner for fear of cheating and rejection. And we do this to reassure ourselves because when we feel reassured we feel less anxious and insecure.
Increase your internal locus of control
We can’t or shouldn’t control everything and everyone in our life, so accepting what we can’t change will, in the long term allow us to find inner peace. In the short term we might feel uncomfortable but there is no gain without pain as they say. When we are anxious we want answers, we want control, we want reassurance. It’s a never ending cycle and the only way to break it for good is to accept uncertainty and relinquish some control.
Tips to help let go
Accept that life is uncertain. Prepare for the future, but remember life has a way of derailing the best of plans so don’t spend every waking hour worrying about what may happen tomorrow at the expense of making the most of today.
Learn from others. You don’t know everything, you can learn from others. Sure it may not be the way you want it but ask yourself ‘is it really worth falling out over?’
Don’t focus your attention on your external locus. You can’t change what other people think but you can change what you think.
Control yourself by letting go of control. Don’t search Doctor Google or interrogate your partner every time their phone pings.
Sit with the discomfort - Let the anxious thoughts come into your head and rather than avoiding them give them a tangible form ( a colour, shape, character) and visualise them fading away, breaking into tiny pieces and disappearing.
So life is uncertain, bad things happen to good people but when they do help is available and you will get through it. That’s the magic of the human spirit. So let go a little, live a little and control yourself by letting go of trying to control what you can’t.
