Taking Time Out
When one or both partners call for some time out it can be an anxious and uncertain time. In this blog we look at ways of minimising the disruption anxiety and uncertainty by putting in strategies to set clear boundaries, agree lines of communication and respecting each others position. Here are 8 useful tips to help navigate what can be difficult waters.
TIP 1 - Explain the reason for the time apart - What is the reason for the break? Understanding why a person wants a break can help both parties. People need time out for different reasons and both should respect each other’s wishes. Will this be a total contact break, or a break from some aspects of the relationship?
There are many reasons a person asks for time apart (see 6 below) and it is good for each party to know the reason, after all it is an opportunity for both parties to reflect on their wants and needs and whether they can be fulfilled or whether the relationship can continue. It may be a case where one party accepts the other can’t/won’t change and creates some personal boundaries to manage the situation. Others may realise that they need to leave the relationship for good.
TIP 2 - Manage expectations – Do both parties know how long they need/want? Although this may be a difficult question to answer, it is important to recognise the other person’s anxiety and feelings. Setting a timeframe to ‘check in’ may help bridge the gap but neither party should be pressurised into committing to a final timeframe.
TIP 3 - Communicate - If there is still communication/contact then setting boundaries maybe helpful. When/how will this contact be made? Is there any conversation ‘off the table?
TIP 4 -Allow time - Let each party assess their situation. The fact that there is a ‘time out’ means that some part of the relationship requires attention, assessment or reflection and this needs to be done without the other party demanding answers. Sometimes the best salesperson is the one who sits quietly waiting for the customer to decide which coat to buy. Humans naturally resort to ‘fight or flight’ so when they feel threatened/pressurised they may ‘run away’ (how many of us leave the store because we don’t want the hard sell?)
TIP 5 -Time out is not the same as ending a relationship - Precise language should be used to clear any ambiguity and confusion. Reassurances should be given when each partner is able and willing to make good on them rather than promising things they know they cannot deliver.
TIP 6 -Accepting vulnerability - This can be the most uncomfortable part of a ‘time out’ situation especially if one party did not want the time apart, or feels insecure at the possibility their partner will move on permanently or meet another person. In these situations, it can be helpful to reassure each other (see 5 above) but also accept that each party is free to make their own choices.
TIP 7 -Respect boundaries -If it is agreed not to contact each other then it is important to respect that wish. Time apart has been called for a reason. Conversely, if it has been agreed to keep in touch periodically but without certain aspects being discussed, then make sure this request is adhered to.
TIP 8 -Use distractions - If there is an urge to contact the other person or step beyond the agreed boundaries then keeping busy may help. Call a friend, listen to music or take some exercise. Grounding techniques can also help us stay present.
And finally but most importantly stay safe. The tips above assume both parties are rational adults working within agreed boundaries. When a person feels unsafe. they may not feel able to be honest and open. If cohesive and controlling behaviour is a factor seek professional help and support.
