Taking the anger out of the situation

This blog looks at taking the anger out of conversations. Whether its a partner, a friend or work colleague, we look at the best approach for defusing a situation and still getting your point across.

When we are really angry there can be a tendency to personalise the source of the anger. This leads to an assumption that the person is the problem, even when they aren’t. This misplaced anger often starts with a point of the finger and the words “You are…”

Effective communication means allowing both parties to see the other person’s perspective, and one way of doing this is by saying “When you did that it made me feel…” It is important to describe the feeling accurately. For example rather than say “ I felt hurt” be specific, for example “ I felt rejected”. This gives the listener a more detailed description which can allow a more measured and empathetic response.

The important thing is not to try and win an argument by scoring more ‘hurts’ than the other person. It is about coming to an amicable understanding and an acceptable resolution. You may not get everything you want, and neither might they.

Even before engaging in the conversation identify where your emotional rev counter is sitting (see accompanying blog) and avoid starting the conversation until those ‘revs’ are right down. Keep an eye on that imaginary rev counter and take steps to avoid the needle rising during the interaction. Defer the conversation if you need to until you are calmer.

Look for a win win. Perhaps you get what you want and that’s great, but consider a gesture to make the other person feel valued, particularly if it’s your partner or friend. Maybe arrange some time soon to catch up for a coffee or go and see a movie, or just agree to a small concession.

Anger can be a necessary emotion but when it destroys relationships, damages our health and is not controlled it’s time to learn to self regulate or seek support from a therapist to learn and practice some anger management strategies.